I hate posting twice in one day...

But there is an epidemic which I fear will become even more wide-spread as posers (and some blonkeys) descend upon Las Vegas for the World Series, Bellagio tourney and Venetian Deep Stack tourney. This plague which is sweeping America: douchebaggery. This, let's face it, disease can best be described with the two following items:

www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com (thank you fivehundybymidnight.com)

and thank you to my brother and College Humor for this gem (click on it...it's a video):



I urge you. Do your part to stop the douchebaggery.

My wife was right...Ohio sucks

And this came from a Pittsburgh native. Let me repeat that. Someone from Pittsburgh is saying that Ohio sucks. And I'm agreeing with her. I know, I may have just lost all credibility with anyone who has ever stood at the confluence of despair, pollution and unemployment (also known as the Monongahela, Allegheny and Ohio rivers)...but stay with me for a second.

I have lived in Ohio all of my life (with the notable exception of a few years stuck in traffic on the Beltway of our nation's capital) and I have never been more embarrassed to be an Ohioan. I consider myself a political animal with political friends, political clients and political opinions and I am often the one defending or explaining the actions of politicians. But I do not have an explanation for what is currently happening in the Buckeye State and it makes me ill. Check that. I DO have an explanation for it. And that makes me down right nauseous.

Let me give you a snapshot of the political climate right now as it relates to issues I care about. Slot machines at racetracks (and a few civic locations in Cleveland) were voted down OVERWHELMINGLY last November. Last week, the Senate passed OVERWHELMINGLY a bill which would allow "instant racing" machines to be installed at racetracks (see an "instant racing" machine here). The state's Attorney General is desperately trying to find a way NOT to outlaw games of "skill" like "Tic Tac Fruit" (see a "Tic Tac Fruit" machine here). Poker games are being raided all across the state. The "Dancers for Democracy" failed to get a bill defeated which will cause strip clubs to close at midnight and will require patrons to be at least six feet away from dancers at all times.

Can you get a sense of the hypocrisy?

I know why the slot machines were voted down in November. The way the ballot issue was written and presented, it was going to make the racetrack owners wealthy while being too obscure as to the "real" benefits that Ohio students would see from the scholarships that were to derive from the revenue. Add to that the age-old warring between Ohio's cities and the long-standing competition (hatred) between them and the issue didn't stand a chance.

But that's not the way that politicians and the media spun it. According to them, it was a defeat for expanded gambling. Ohio doesn't want gambling. Nevermind that every state around Ohio has some form of gambling and the parking lots of those states are populated with Ohio cars. Ohio doesn't want gambling. Nevermind the fact that the real "winner" in the short-term would have been the horse racing industry in Ohio, which is an enormous industry on-par with many manufacturing segments that Ohio would be tripping over itself trying to "save" if they were in the competitive disadvantage position that racing is in. Ohio doesn't want gambling.

Fine.

So explain the vote for the instant racing machines. These will provide a fraction of the revenue for the horse industry, they do nothing for Ohio's students and will undoubtedly be just shoved into a corner of a still dilapidated and visitor-unfriendly racetrack. Were the slots to have been approved, these tracks would have been forced to invest in their facilities and actually make racetracks a "destination" instead of a destination for desperation.

Okay, but the REST of Ohio doesn't want gambling.

Fine.

So explain these "skill" games that are popping up all over the state. From what I understand, they're slot machines loosely based on tic-tac-toe that are in almost every truck stop and bar in rural Ohio. And in some circles they're considered SKILL games. And Ohio AG Marc Dann is sending someone around to verify that they are at least 51% skill and therefore legal. Coincidentally, Dann received a tremendous amount of money from those involved with these games. Coincidentally.

But in some of these same bars, or even private clubs, poker games are being raided. People are being taken to jail. For playing a game of unquestionable skill. Right next to someone playing a slot machine. Pseudo-legally. (But nobody in these private clubs is smoking because Ohio's smoking ban was ruled to apply to private clubs as well. I'm just saying.) What kind of a world do we live in where poker is the anti-christ, but dressed up slot machines are accepted revenue makes for those "skillful" enough to succeed? Where are the books on strategy for those games anyway? When is the World Series of Tic-Tac-Fruit? Is it in conjunction with the rock-paper-scissors extravaganza? I'm just saying.

Fine. All of these issues are in some way illegal or at the very least in a legal gray area. But strip clubs are legal in Ohio. They're legal, licensed businesses. Just like bars. Just like restaurants. Except strip clubs happen to have semi-naked people dancing. So what gives the state the right to say they have to close at midnight? What gives them the right to say that LEGAL customers have to stay a certain distance away from LEGAL employees doing LEGAL work? I am passionate about this BUSINESS issue, but it is impossible to discuss with people because they hear strip club, think pervert and stop listening. Similar, I think, to what the legislators did. And the Governor for that matter...who took the chicken's way out and didn't sign the bill, allowing it to become law.

The hypocrisy of all of this stinks. It DEFINITELY doesn't pass the "smell" test as my lobbyist friends say. And, don't forget, I am a REPUBLICAN. Where are the democrats on this? ACLU? Hello? Free speech? Freedom of expression? Liberals? I know you're out there. You voted a lot of respected legislators out of office last November and are propping up phony and vomit-inducing presidential candidates on the single-issue platform that they're "not Republicans."

All of this makes me sick. And it is also part of what led to my career change. I want to make a difference in this state. I want to create associations to look out for the rights of poker players and fix the hypocrisy and temper the influence of radical lunatics infringing on our rights in the name of "values. All of this so that we can once again stand up and say proudly, "Pittsburgh sucks."

I SWEAR this isn't a once-a-week blog...it just looks that way

I can't believe it has been a week since my prolific prose has graced the blogosphere. Unfortunately, between the turmoil in my personal and professional life, c'est la vie.

As I sat in the living room of my in-laws' house in parochial, Primanti's-obsessed (Thanks NewinNov for reminding me to link to this) and poverty-stricken Pittsburgh listening to my father-in-law opine on the finer aspects of Avon's soap-on-a-rope, I thankfully allowed my mind to wander to an even more disgusting topic: my poker play since FTOPS.

Not only have I not cashed in any tournaments, I have been an equal-opportunity mule in cash games...giving my money away at HORSE, OE8, Omaha and even NL HE which I said I was swearing off forever. Each night when I sit down to play, as I click "register" and smooch au revoir to a little more of my pathetic bankroll, I KNOW I am not in a mindset to play. I am pre-occupied and impatient and as far from the analytical rounder of FTOPS as Lindsay Lohan is from her starring role in Freaky Friday. And yet I play. And I lose.

About the time my father-in-law got to exact body parts best for said soap on said rope, I had decided it was time for a poker mantra, a poker manifesto. Something I could read each and every time I sit down for a poker tournament (or my rare cash game appearances) that will put me in the right frame of mind to play "my game." I challenge anyone who doesn't already have a written mantra to craft one and post it in your blog...as everyone's will be different. Based on Fuel55's MATH performance last night, I'm guessing his will consist of:

1) Go all-in.

2) ... repeat.

But he WELL out-lasted my ass so I shouldn't say anything. If we went by last night's MATH performance, my mantra would simply be, slow-play a set to get a LOT of chips then donk them off shortly thereafter when you're about a big dog. I think I had pot odds to make that call though. But I digress.

Finally, after that long-winded introduction, I give you my poker mantra.

No Porn until after the tournament. Well, maybe at breaks.

AK is a drawing hand.

Flushes are over-rated. Do NOT be a soooted donk. You will lose a lot of chips chasing them and may not win much if they hit.

In the first three levels, if I don't hit the flop HARD...fold...

Percentages are just that. Percentages. They are not absolutes.

I would rather win a small pot with AA and KK than lose a big one

JJ and 10-10 and 9-9 are still JUST pocket pairs

Poker is not about whose dick is bigger…let them think theirs is and then whack them upside the head with yours

It’s okay not to continuation bet the turn…checking can be your friend

I am not a draw donkey…so stop acting like one

Pot odds need not be exact, but they need to be relevant

Poker is poker, it is on the internet more than "Leave it to Beaver" re-runs (With apologies to Pete Gillen)...if you play poorly in a tournament, there's another one later...or tomorrow...or next Sunday.

I am prepared to go out in last place of a tournament if I have followed the above.

I don't want to turn this into a dreaded "blog tag" ... but I am very curious to read the mantras of some other bloggers. May I name five?

Hoy

Cowboy Poker

Astin

CMitch

Drizzt

It was a fantastic learning experience...that's what losers say, right?

Before I commence with the dreary circumstances which pockmark my FTOPS Main Event, I need to take a second to congratulate Hoy and CMitch...and any other bloggers I may have missed who cashed. Hoy was in the top 20 at one time in chips and put in a great run. I saw CMitch down at one point to virtual felt on the virtual felt and he rallied for a >$1,000 score. Congrats fellas.

On to a less successful poker player: me.

My trip to the FTOPS ME is described below so I won't bore you (again) with those details. I sat down at 6 p.m. after a power dinner of cheap, fattening, Pittsburghy goodness and my third Rockstar of the day and dreams of the $300,000 first prize. Those dreams almost came to an end before the jitters kicked in, courtesy of the caffeine and various mysterious "shamanistic" goodies in Rockstar.

Taking one of my patented chances early on (when I still had most of my $5,000 starting stack remaining), I limped in mid-early position with Q-10 of hearts and there were two callers and the big blind checked. I flopped a flush with the ace out and was confident I had the best hand. I made a small bet, the two limpers folded and the BB flat called. I didn't like this...I didn't think he would do that with top pair and it ran through mym ind that he might have A-5 or A-9. The turn was an ace. I REALLY didn't like this. But he checked and I checked behind to keep the pot small. Good move. The river was a queen...inconsequential. He bet $1,000. He only had $1,500 behind as he had lost a decent-size pot earlier. The SMART move here was to call and take my beating like a man. The IDIOT thing to do was try to bust a guy and make a big move early and re-raise him. Guess which I did? Amateur. Amateur.


Two hands later, the foreshadowing gods bestowed upon me pocket sixes. I had around $2,500 left and checked with three limpers in front of me. The flop came 6-3-2 rainbow. Top set, but a coordinated board and on a limped pot, I am nervous. I make a small bet and get one flat caller. Chasing? A-4? A-5? Overcards? A king comes on the turn. I bet out again. Called. River is a four. I'm just sure I'm beat. But I'm down to $1,500 and what am I going to do with that when everyone else has $5,000? I push. He flips bottom set. Phew. I almost had t4o spend a night with my wife and kids. Can't have that.


I treaded water for awhile, but was slowly sinking when I picked up KK UTG. I raised a healthy amount and got called by the button. Flop is all undercards and I bet pot...button goes all-in. Set? Nah...wouldn't have called the first bet. Aces? Maybe. But I have to call. He flips tens and I'm up to $7,500.

A few orbits later, I'm un the cut-off with Jd10d. Large stack UTG calls, UTG+1 is the biggest stack at the table and pops it to 520 which he had been doing with any face cards. I called to see the flop and so did the UTG. Flop came down 2-3-8 with two clubs. After two checks, I bet 2/3 pot figuring they couldn't have possibly hit that flop. They both fold. Position is a beautiful thing.

Okay, I'm boring myself. Let's skip to the end. I made it 4.5 hours. With about 750 people left, I had about $8,500 left and blinds at 400/800 with 100 ante. I got pocket sixes in middle position. It was folded around to me and I made what I deem to be my first BIG mistake since I pushed that flush that was no good. I KNOW that it's fold or push here. I know that. And yet, I made the mistake of looking at the tourney update. Even with my pathetic stack I was 640th and the top 522 pay. That money would mean a lot to my bankroll. It would virtually BE my bankroll. So I let that get the best of me and I just raised $3,000.

Folded around to the big blind and he let his timer run all the way down. So far in fact, I thought he folded. Until I saw the flop. 5-9-Q. BB checked to me. With $5,500 left, I thought he might have played an ace hoping to hit a flop or fold. Regardless, I was more than pot committed at this point in the tournament and wasn't about to fold (hence why I should have just PUSHED pre-flop). So I pushed. And he insta-called. With KQ. Tournament over. 749th place. Because I'm an idiot. In fairness to my idiotness, I was completely cold-decked for the last two hours of the tournament. I was a stealing machine just to stay alive. I didn't have a choice. But still...I push there and I don't think he can call with KQ and who knows what happens.

Bottom line though, I couldn't have possibly enjoyed the two FTOPS events I played in any more (okay, if I had won...maybe). I had the exhileration of satelliting in (that's what I tell myself as opposed to being too broke), I cashed in one and feel that I played some of my best poker in the other. Most importantly, it gave me experience and confidence. Both had been sorely lacking lately. Oh, and one more thing: I hate cash games.

I have been playing cash games like a slot machine, trying to hit and run. Mostly I was getting hit. And everytime I would think, "do you know how many $10 tournies I could have entered with the money I just lost on that hand?" I know that fundamentally there are two different types of minds that play cash vs. tournies and while people play both, almost everyone has a preference. I'm no longer cash-curious. I'm straight...tournaments.

Congrats again to Hoy and CMitch...looking forward to the next FTOPS.

That said, don't look for me tonight. I think I'll be taking a little break. For the good of my bankroll. And my marriage.

The hand that kept me out of the FTOPS Main Event...and the hand that put me in

It's 18 minutes before the FTOPS main event with its $1.5 million guaranteed prize pool and I wanted to quickly jot down the circumstances through which I got a seat.

I took the winnings from my FTOPS 8 luckformance and tried a few satellites
into the big one. I started with a $24 super into the $100 main sat....and...yeah..that didn't go so well. So I bought directly into the $100 and into two $24 satellites. In one of the $24 satellites I was sitting pretty with over $6,000 and was in the top 3 with 30 people left and 8 getting seats. In the small blind, I looked at AdKd. Two limpers into the pot, I popped it 4x BB and BB went all-in.

The two limpers folded and I was almost forced to call. The hand unfolded as follows:


Doh.

I was left with about $1,500 chips and a failed double-up attempt later, I was out.

The good news was that I remained alive in the $100 satellite (read between the lines on how the other $24 sat went). And a single hand in that tourney changed my luck too...but for the better. After a successful steal on the guy to my right, I peeked at 88 in the BB. Undoubtedly annoyed at my steal in the previous hand, the SB pushed on me. I was thrilled when he flipped the Brunson. My hand held up and I was up over $9,500. With less than 300 people left and 265 getting a seat, the last 15 minutes were an eternity and full of folding and folding and people taking the entire time allotment. That and the douchebags with $40,000 raising the guys with $3,500. I HATE that.

Long story short, I qualified when I was in the BB and had $985 left. But the best story was BBT stalwart Bayne_S who had $285 with antes at 250 when the bubble burst.

Good luck to all in the Main Event...Bayne, Hoy, et al...see you at the final table.

The players in FTOPS 8 are my bitches...well, at least players 64-1,100

I finished 63rd in FTOPS 8 for a cash in my first ever FTOPS event.
That's the good news.

The bad news is that I can't help but feel like I didn't play very well and just got cold-cocked by the deck...instead of getting cold-decked. In honor of my first ever tourney buy-in over $100, I downloaded a screenshot program to help in case I felt like posting any hands on my blog. In looking over the ones I saved...I'm almost embarrassed to include them.

I wish I had stories of well-executed traps, stone bluffs run on prolific online pros...instead I have stories of flopped full houses, flopped nut-flushes and miracle rivers.

Don't get me wrong, I know that to cash in a tournament like FTOPS is an achievement regardless of the circumstances. There were several pots I correctly identified a steal attempt and took the pot with a well-timed re-raise. There were several intuitive lay-downs that proved to be lifesavers. But I think every big pot came my way via the cards, not the play.

In the early stages of the tournament, I limped with 3d4d to see if I could get a glimpse of a free flop. The button min-raised. I called and the flop came: Ad-4c-10d...I bet the pot to see where I was and was re-raised immediately. I figured I was facing AK here...maybe AQ...but I had already taken a hit and needed to get back in. So I pushed and was insta-called. I was looking for a diamond, but a 4 came on the river and doubled me up. Not much skill there. Quite the opposite. I never push flush-draws...but I think I was a tad intimidated and tried to get some chips to play with.

I promptly donked off a lot of those chips to one of the chip leaders a few hands later. I had pocket sevens and flat called to try to trip up. The big blind, a large stack, checked. The flop came 6-8-K with two clubs. BB checked to me and I didn't make him for a king...so I bet pot. He called after a few seconds. The turn was another king. I bet pot again. I didn't see anyway he could call now. But he did. The river was a club, he bet 3/4 of my remaining stack and I folded.


The next pivotal hand was my most frustrating. I was getting shortstacked and looked at pocket 9s. I had every intention of pushing, but a pot-bet by an early position big-stack, an all-in by a short stack later, the action is on me. The 9s and a pot that size was too much to pass up...I put the early position raiser on overcards, but while I had NO IDEA what the shortstack held, I pushed. Initial raiser thought for a minute and called my additional money. As expected, the raiser had AQ and shortie had some suited connectors.

I'll spare the play-by-play, but my trips lost to a rivered straight. I still won some chips from the side-pot, but I was crippled.


A few hands later, with less than 10X BB, I made a cardinal sin and just min-raised with two low cards hoping to see a flop. I hit my six on the flop, and went check-check. The turn was a four and I was confident I was ahead here. I check-pushed and the SB thought he smelled a steal. his 4s were no good and I doubled-up.


The next hand led to some derogatory comments in the chat box, but I don't feel it was completely deserved. I had lost a few hands and was spiraling downward..perhaps a little on tilt...and raised from the cut-off. I was re-raised 2.5 times my initial bet by the small-blind. I don't know why, but I was confident he didn't have an ace and I still had enough chips that if I didn't get one on the flop I could fold and still have a chance so I called. Needless to say, the flop was kind. He checked, I pushed and he called.


In a poster-child for not limping with aces, see the following hand:


And the luck continues.

Shortly thereafter, the bubble burst and while I was ecstatic to cash, I looked and the bubble boy was BBT participant CMitch. I had looked earlier and he was in the top-10 and was shocked to see him in the most frustrating position in poker.

Given the cash and the fact that the next 50 or so spots earned roughly the same amount of money, I loosened up my play a little but I don't believe that had anything to do with the following hand. I found AK in the small blind. UTG +2 raised and since I HATE AK and really consider it like 10J...a simple drawing hand, I called. When the flop came A-Q-J, I just KNEW he had AQ or AJ and had two-pair. But I wasn't going to fold if he bet so I just pushed hoping he had a pocket pair and would fold. He didn't. Sure enough, I was facing AJ and it took a MIRACLE king on the river to keep my improbable run alive.


After a steal attempt with disappointing results and a few unfavorable flops, I was barely going to make it through the blinds the next time around. The next pay level had just come and gone and I didn't have anything to lose. I HATE pushing with A-no face in this position, much prefer 8-9 or 7-8, but I didn't have a choice and made the "crying" push. A medium stack thought for a LONG time before calling with 7-7. This was the best I could possibly have hoped for, but I had used up all my luck and was sent to the rail in 63rd.



A few final thoughts. I loved the experience of playing in FTOPS. It was the first "major" tournament I've ever played in (I haven't even played a Sunday Major) and it served as a great reminder that while my game has come a long way, I still have a long way to go. I am in a hurry so I don't have access to exact hand histories that might make some of the aforementioned plays a little more reasonable, but overall I don't think I played as poorly as this sounds and I don't think I played as well as my finish would indicate. But that's poker.

I have to say, I LOVE PL Hold'Em. I don't think I have ever played a PL Hold'Em tourney before and it just suits my game so well. I am not a big risk-taker, especially pre-flop, and have a tendency to get too tight toward the bubble and a little later in tourneys and without antes, these events are tailor-made for me. Then again, so are flopped boats and nut flushes.

I may try to use some of my winnings to take a few satellite shots at the main event for Sunday...I have to have something to do while I wait 8-12 weeks for my Full tilt hat to come in for cashing in an FTOPS event. Provided they don't withhold it for poor play. Which I may deserve.

FTOPS is my bitch...well, at least the satellites

Okay, so that might be a little strong. Seeing as we're 8 events in and I haven't played in any FTOPS yet despite blowing most of my bankroll trying. However, Wippy finally gets over as I'll be playing in FTOPS 8 tonight. I was online donking my way out of Riverchasers and the $10 Daily Double tourneys when I saw a $50 satellite starting for FTOPS 8 that would reward almost 1/4 of the field with seats into the $216 event.

Despite the crippling account the tourney would take on the bankroll, one of my goals has been to play in an FTOPS (without buying in) and with the series winding down, I figured this would be one of my best opportunities. Well over 100 of my closest friends joined the tournament and 25 seats were awarded. I was down to less than $1,000 in a blink of an eye when AJ, AK, AK back-to-back-to-back failed to bring any chips my way. But I caught a few hands, made two moves on medium stacks that I knew would be too afraid to gamble and I was in the top 10 with 50 people left.

Then one of the most excruciating experiences of my poker life occured. It took FOREVER to get down the last 25 people. I have spent more than my fair share of time on the bubble in MTTs, in satellites, in SnG...but this was the most disgusting display of folding I have ever seen at EVERY table. People were just folding to the big blind everytime so AT MOST the small blind was the only thing moving every hand. It was physically painful. This coincided with a brutal run of cards for me and I couldn't even play a pot with any confidence.

I finally decided to try to make a little move once the blinds got above 250/500...and ran into pocket aces. So my "sure thing" was now on life support. Luckily I had a complete d-bag on my left and when I raised from the button with "the hammer" ... despite the fact that he was in the top-5 in chips, he decided to call me. The flop came down 4-7-J...I underbet the pot, trying to make it look like I had flopped something...and true to his calling station upbringing, he just flat called. I was slightly nervous, but confident in my read that he is an utter twatwaffle and then the 7 came down on the turn, I was even more confident. I underbet the pot again and this time he decided he'd had enough and put me all-in. I gladly called and he flipped A-4o.

That pot put me safely in position and I pretty much folded my way to a seat. But I still can't get over his play. Not the call on the flop...although rather odd. But why even play that pot at all? Did he think he’d get an “extra” seat if he won? He was safely in the chips…and sure, you don’t want to lay down a premium hand here but A-4? Okay, maybe if you flop the ace and don’t think I have one…make a play. Fine. But flop bottom pair and call?

Usually, when you see questionable plays, you can at least somewhat understand what the player was thinking…no matter how illogical and incorrect. This one? I’m flabbergasted. The good news is, I know there’s ONE person in FTOPS 8 I can beat. But that may be it.